Painting Update

I have had some time to work on the painting, and I have made some progress. Still not done, but it's coming along. I think I'll have it done in time for the showing Aug. 2nd. Hopefully! Everyone should come to that- Mark your calendars. I'll post location soon- I know it's downtown/ Deep Ellum area.

Why don't we have a siesta??

I just got up after laying down for a couple hours this afternoon. I do this all the time, and every day I do it I feel guilty about it. I think of all the stuff I should've done instead. I just get so wiped out in the afternoon, and the nap helps me get through the evening in a much better mood. My kids still need afternoon downtime too. We don't always sleep, but we chill. I was feeling the guilt today when I realized there are whole societies all over the world that do this. Most animals do too. America needs to adopt this practice. I'm going to officially put the afternoon siesta in my day planner. And stop feeling bad about it.

Whoops!

I opened my big mouth and almost got my butt kicked today. I went with a friend down to the Bridge, the new homeless shelter, for lunch. I hadn't been there since the Stew Pot moved there. It was fine- there were a whole bunch of people there today. It was crowded so we had to find seats with other people and we sat at one with a few other people. When we sat down a lady there started making racist comments about white people (I was the only white person nearby.) She was complaining on and on about how "the white people come here and try to help the homeless, thinking their going to do some good. I hate the white people trying to do good... etc." Add a bunch of curse words in with all that. So I said- "You don't have to come here." Holy- * As soon as it left my mouth I knew it sounded wrong. "Bitch! I'll say what ever I want to say! You'll get jumped up in here you bitch!!" repeat that about 10 times... I was still kind of miffed and not scared, and I would have said something else but she left. My friend was telling me just not to say anything. He's right. I really didn't mean it as an insult, I just didn't want her talking like that when it was so obviously for my benefit. But, she was looking to be pissed off today, I could just tell. I feel bad though. Maybe she does have to be there- and I shouldn't have said anything. I'm not used to all this turn the other cheek stuff. I'm a fighter. But, I'm learning, and did learn today- to keep my mouth shut at least!!!!

understanding

Still working on the God as I understand him thing. It's funny that it's so hard, seeing as how I consider myself a Christian. I guess I'm more of a Christian Agnostic. I'm working at it. It just seems so unlikely, all the supernatural stuff I'm supposed to believe. Miracles. I was wondering, why did God make miracles in biblical times and not now? Then I realized he does. He works through people. We just don't all do our part. Doctors heal, pastors and therapists and friends help emotionally & spiritually, people are involved in helping in all areas. My family, that's definitely a wonderful miracle. Then there's all the cool nature stuff. I like church but I have to admit it's a social engagement for me. I don't think I know what it feels like to "worship". I believe but I can't get past the theology. But I don't really think God cares.

I was thinking about the passage Matthew 12:30 where Jesus says "He who is not with Me is against Me; and he who does not gather with Me scatters." In context he is talking about the pharisees accusing him of casting out demons by way of Beelzebub, and he says that's not possible because a kingdom divided among itself will fall. If satan works against satan they'll cancel each other out. So if God works against God it will cancel him out. Since Jesus claims to be on the side of God, to go against him will hurt the kingdom of God. I don't think he's saying you have to be a "Christian". I think Jesus was much more universal in his thinking than we give him credit for. I think he's warning about splitting hairs over differences. Either you are for God or you're not. It's that simple. We shouldn't work against each other if we want the same outcome.

The next verse 12:31 "Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven."

Blasphemy against religion and men (including the Son of Man) will be forgiven, but blasphemy of the Holy Spirit will not. This screams to me that The Holy Spirit is transcendent of all people. As only a great holy spirit creator could be. I think the reason I stumble with Christianity is I have a hard time thinking of God as a man, rather than a nebulous energy, all knowing and currently present. But then again I do believe that Christ was of God and doing God's work. I just have a hard time with the Trinity. Plus the resurrection happened 2000 years ago and just seems so removed, like a story.

There's a line in the AA book about God being everything or nothing. I don't see God in evil, and I do think there's opposing forces in the universe. But maybe they mean it in a "He who is not with Me is against Me; and he who does not gather with Me scatters." kind of way. Makes sense to me, at last!! I can definitely say, if nothing else, that I am for God.

Still working on my "epoch". Heehee.

I've been working on the painting(s) some more... I am almost done with Utopia and Hell on Earth. I'm not feeling as emotional about it now. I think looking at all the pictures was worse that painting it. My German is bad on the gate to Auschwitz. Gotta fix that. I have come to realize lately that every age before us, at least as far back as Jerusalem, and on, has thought that their sin was going to end the world. Or that God was punishing them for their sins. In translating the things from the Bosch painting, it's all the same stuff. Greed, violence, idol worship, The Church involved in politics, greed, communing with idol worshipers, etc. (pictures here) Well, here it is in the year 2008 and we still think we're doing ourselves in. Maybe we are. Now the fear is possibly more real than before, considering nuclear weapons & destruction of Earth, but if most of us die the Earth will go on and eventually be fine. Some of us will survive. And multiply. And then books will be written about the meaning of life and God and all that and the world will keep going. Until we do ourselves in again. The most challenging thing sometimes is just to deal with the here and now. I'm trying NOT to look so much at the big picture. The little things in life that are right in front of me. It's amazing that every single person from the beginning of time each has their own personal story. It makes you feel like a grain of sand, even though our lives are such a big deal to us. I guess it's what's important. But it is fun doing this big painting.

Steps 1,2 & 3

Back to the old drawing board. I had a little backslide in AA, as I wrote about before. I think I just got overwhelmed. But I'm back in the game. The cyst, the morphine, the birth control pills, all the medical tests just wore me out. Probably the worst was the pill. That was not cool. All was not lost, except my sobriety date, but I still feel the need to start over. Here goes:

Step 1- admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.

Admitted we were powerless over alcohol- I can do that. I know I can't drink. I'm powerless over my drinking habits. I have proved this to myself over and over again. I Have such a hard time with moderation.

And our lives had become unmanageable- this one was a stumbler last time. I thought unmanageable meant unsuccessful, unhappy, out of control worthless alcoholic life. I've never felt that way. Even when I'm down I know I have a good life. I have a great marriage, wonderful children, good friends,and I've done some pretty cool things! This time it simply means I'm not managing my life as I should be. Or rather, that I'm not effectively managing it. True! There's much room for improvement. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels a lot of the time. Doesn't mean I have a terrible life.


Step 2- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

OK I believe in God. That's my higher power. Done.

Could restore us to sanity. What? You say I'm insane?? I know my name and who the president is! I know that it's 2008!! INSANE means I'm talking to my invisible friend Betty in the produce aisle. I'm not insane. I've got my issues but Jeez.
(I do, however, have an intense fear of losing my mind.) I've been close before. I am diagnosed as Bipolar but that doesn't mean I'm INSANE. Just "colorful". Some would say alcoholic.

Now- for the first time I'm going to put 1 & 2 together.

Powerless, unmanageable, God (higher power), restore, sanity.
restore- means I was once sane. So I don't have to be someone else. I can just be restored to my original sanity. Whatever that was.

This time around, I look at unmanageable as insane and sanity as manageable. I believe in this context the two are intertwined.

Now I just have to believe that the higher power can do the restoring. Common sense tells me that whatever made me can probably handle it, but I don't know what that means. I think it means that I could be living more authentically, how I was designed to. But I still get to be me. Last time I didn't want to change my whole personality. I still don't. I kind of like myself. I just don't want to be controlled by my whims.
I guess that's why we're supposed to stop trying to control them. To end the fight. I have nothing to lose here, the fight is lost. I went for a long time without alcohol before, but I'm not positive I didn't substitute some other behaviors for the alcohol. More on that later.

Step 3- made a decision to turn our will and lives over to God as we understand him.

Decision- yep- that's why I'm here. God- sure. as we understand him- not so sure. I realized today that all I have are theories- a lot of them. Any of them could be right. I have absolutely no personal way of seeing God. I believe it's impossible to define God. It's kind of hard to have an understanding of something that can't be understood. I have a personal theory, but it in no way related to daily life. In a strange way it seems like it would be ego-centric to have a personal understanding of God. As ironic as that is, considering I'm completely ego-centric trying to run things. I have a very chaotic view of the world. Because I can't make sense of many happenings, I just think they don't make any sense. There's no trust. I know God is doing it but I don't know why. It kind of pisses me off. I am just now getting that it's not for me to know. Right now as I write this. I've always known things are out of my control, but I never stop trying to understand them. I have not come to terms with not getting the answers. The How I'm o.k. with but not the why. What is the point of this whole life thing?? When I figure it out I'll let y'all know. Just kidding. There's an old Twightlight Zone episode where the meaning of life is figured out and everyone who hears it goes completely bonkers. It ends with it being broad casted on the radio- if I remember correctly. It's just not for us to know.

So- I am going to hang out here at 3. Decision is done. Now I have conjure an image and personality for God. I know- I can't- but I just mean one for me to reference. I'll probably end up going with Christ. I don't think I can come up with a better one myself. There's still the whole "Holy Spirit" thing- that is the undefinable part.



I dedicate this post to "Slick". R.I.P. Another one of those things we just won't be able to understand. From what I heard in meetings he had a good grasp on all of this. He'll be missed.