Ahhh... The Death Penalty

The movie everyone's talking about, At The Death House Door has opened up the subject in my world recently. But that's not what got me about this movie. Not the victims' plight (on every side), not the families of the victims, but the story of the Pastor Carroll Pickett. He has a truly amazing story to tell.

I'm anti death penalty. That's my stance & it won't change. That said, It would be really hard for me not to carry out vigilante justice on someone if they hurt my family. I wouldn't, but I can't say I wouldn't wish for that person to die. But, I don't believe in it over all. It's just as well to keep them in prison without parole.

What impressed me most was his steadfast faith. And how this man spoke of his struggles in the film. His candor, his doubt, everything. He didn't get worked up over his place in the spotlight. He didn't let his inability to immediately change the system make him retreat from it all together, which would have taken him from his call of duty to God. He kept his struggles out of the lime light so that he could be there for the death row inmates. He didn't take their salvation onto himself, or try to make them see God in his way. He let them have their beliefs and just was there for them. There is something truly remarkable about his service. Yet he is truly human. We can only hope to learn from him.

Cat is HOME!

I hope everything can go back to normal now. The cat being gone did really mess up the balance of our home!! I had resigned to losing him, but he just popped up at the window tonight.

Best music

I like a lot of music- I notice people put up lists of stuff they like so I'm gonna do it too. Not enough room on my facebook or myspace. Here Goes... ** bands I've seen live!

I'm cheating with my itunes playlist. A-Z

Alanis Morissette
Afghan Whigs**
Alice in Chains
Arrested Development
Audioslave
Bad Livers**
Bauhaus ** (peter Murphy)
Beastie Boys **
Beatles
Beck**
Blondie
BEP
Bob Dylan**
Bob Marley
Bonnie Rait
Butthole Surfers (yes- They're awesome!)**
Cake
The Church**
The Cult**
The Cure (C-bands from the 80's much?)**
Death Cab
Depeche Mode**
Digable Planets
Dixie Chicks
Dr. Dre
Ella Fitzgerald
Eminem
Eric Clapton
Fiona Apple
Flaming Lips**
Franz Ferdinand
George Harrison
Gibby Haynes
Gipsy Kings
Gnarles Barkley
Gorillaz
Gun's N Roses
The Highwaymen
Hole
INXS**
Isaac Hayes
Jamiroqui
James Brown
Jane's Addiction**
Jethro Tull
Jimi Hendrix
John Lennon
Johnny Cash
Junior Brown**
Kermit Ruffins**
The Killers
Kool and the Gang
KT Tunstall
Led Zeppelin
Lenny Kravitz**
Leonard Cohen
LOTUS**
Louis Armstrong
Love and Rockets**
Macy Gray
Madness
Madonna
Manu Chao**
Maroon 5
Marvin Gaye
Metallica**
Miles Davis
Ministry**
Moby
Morphine**
Mudhoney**
My Morning Jacket
Neville Brothers**
NIN
Nirvana
No Doubt
NWA
Outkast
P Funk**
Paul McCartney
Peter Gabriel
Pharcyde
Pink Floyd**
Pixies
PJ Harvey
Plumb
Porno for Pyros
Primus**
Q-Tip
Raconteurs
Radiohead
Rage Against the Machine
Ramones**
Rebirth**
Red Hot Chili Peppers**
Rolling Stones**
Sarah McLaughlin
Sarah Vaughn
Seal**
Sheryl Crow
Simon & Garfunkle
Sinead O'Connor
Souxie and the Banshees**
Sly and the Family Stone
Smashing Pumpkins**
The Smiths
Snoop Dogg
Sonic Youth**
Soundgarden**
STP
Sublime
Sugarcubes
The The**
They Might be Giants
Toadies**
Tom Petty
Tool
U2
War**
Weezer
White Stripes
Who
Willie Nelson**

Whew! I'd link them all- well maybe I will Later. It's a lot for now.

My Horoscope- am I sinning by thinking it makes sense??

There is a world of difference between serving others and losing oneself in the service of others. Helping those in need is one thing, but becoming a martyr is something else. You cannot be fully engaged in the present moment if your ulterior motive is escaping from your own problems. Be certain that you are acting with integrity and not selfishness.

From the google astrologer. Well put. It really seems to go along with what is going on in my life. I know, I could probably read any sign and it would fit, but 9 times out of 10 it's right on. Well, I don't believe in it like I believe in God, but I think there's something to it somehow...

Too Much

I'm working on a new painting, and it really is affecting me. I decided to do a modern interpretation of Hieronymus Bosch's triptych Haywain symbolizing the fall of mankind. My style is completely different of course, but the jist of the painting remains. I have started the hard part first, the right panel that represents the worst of man. I knew it would be tough, but I had no idea that looking at these pictures and painting them would be such an experience. I feel compelled to keep going though. While I am not near finished ( I still have lots of detail to put in, which is going to be even harder) I will show what I have so far. While researching images I have come across some that are truly hellish. I will put them in the painting but I am trying to avoid gratuitous horror. Some examples: pictures from The Holocaust, Slavery, Terror, Beheadings(decided not to put this in but accidentally saw a bunch of pictures while browsing) Sept. 11th, KKK, etc. You get the idea. What the F*CK is wrong with people? I am beside myself with grief over what I've seen.
I know it's not all like this here on Earth, and I'm lumping a bunch of horrors together, but it's hard to see the good sometimes. I know that there are far more good people than bad, and my life is fine so why all the sadness? I guess I just can't ignore it.

Boris The Lion

3/8/08- I wrote this a while back- and I just heard that the Lion has died. I'm so sad for that poor lion. :((




Today has been great! Noelle & Jim went to Houston for the weekend and I've gotten to have some much needed one on one with Jameso. I needed it, I bet Jameson has had enough of me. He's playing Star Wars Legos right now and wants nothing to do with me. It seems like Jameson gets left out of the mix a lot. I'm always tending to Noelle & Jim. Noelle is so demanding and Jameson is so passive that I have to have her out of the picture before he and I talk. It's not that I don't see him all the time, but he just is the quiet one. Which makes him the easy one too.

We've done a bunch of fun stuff. I took him to dinner last night (IHOP) and then to Toys r Us just to look around. Today we took the train down to the Dallas Zoo. It was good, big enough for a 5 year old. The weather was nice and all the animals were out. I haven't been to the Dallas Zoo in years and it's a lot better now. There's a new part, which is very nice and then there's the old part, which is sad. Particularly the huge lion in a tiny cage. But, his new habitat is being built and should be ready soon according to the zoo. The lion looks healthy and not like he's just pinned up. He looks like he's had exercise, but for pete's sake he's a huge LION he needs a room larger than my bedroom. A field or 2 at least.

Jameson loved loved loved the reptile building. And the "Bug U". And the Dart rail. I am still glowing from our day together :o)

Boris lived his whole life in a cage. Born in Captivity. I know I'm being dramatic, but it just seems sad. At least he never knew what he was missing, having been born at the zoo. But the Dallas Zoo Lion cage was awful.

Read about Boris

Advertising for Husband's Band...

Imposter

Not Monoukie. I drove in the rain during rush hour to get him and it wasn't him. Looks just like him though. Same crooked tail, the only way I could tell was he didn't have his scar from the accident. I am worried sick over this damn cat!

Kind of sad, kind of happy story:

One time when I was a kid, we thought our cat got hit by a car. It looked just like our cat, a pure siamese so not super common. My Dad had just finished burying it in the backyard when our actual cat came up behind him and meowed. He was really confused for a minute.

Technology saves pets too.

Well I probably would have gone by the pound again anyway, but this morning I woke up sad about the missing cat, checked the website, and sure enough he's there.
I can't wait to go get him. I wonder how much this will cost? Last time he got out it was $800. But he had a broken leg. This time there's probably just a fee. I might have to get his shots again, and he may have to be observed for rabies. I hope not. B/C that means we'll have to pay for the boarding. This Black Cat either has a terrible curse or the best luck ever.

Was rescued by my grandfather in his office building. He had fallen behind the sheetrock from the attic, barely old enough to eat wet food. My grandfather knocked a hole in the drywall to get him out.
He bit someone 2 weeks after his rabies shot had expired & was quarantined for 10 days. Luckily the person he bit was a friend & didn't want him killed.
He was hit by a car, and had orthopedic surgery on his leg. $800
Now he's at the pound again.
I just looked at his papers, shot's expired again. Ugh

Well, that's only 4 of nine. He may make it a few more times.

Monoukie Come Home!!

I Miss my Kitty!!! Come Home!!

I don't know...

I had some wine. Not much really. A couple of glasses. Over 4 hours or so. I didn't get drunk. I had no desire to get drunk. I was at a dinner party and I was given a glass and it just seemed like no big deal. I had a good time. I'm about to have, well I WAS about to have my 1 year of sobriety on 6/18. I don't think I can celebrate it, even though I didn't get drunk. I broke the rules. I don't know why I drank it. I guess it could be because I'm an alcoholic and it's the disease. That's the AA view and I don't disagree with it. But I'm still not 100% sure I'm an alcoholic. I was sure for a while, but not sure lately. I'm not in denial, I think it's likely that I am. I'm just doubting it some. The Big Book (AA TEXT) says to go and try to control it and see. I think that's what I was doing. Well I really didn't think much about it. It seems ridiculous to me that I can't control it. I know I've been through this a million times. I guess I just need to explore it further. And see. Again. The good thing is, if I do lose control I'll be more sure that I do need to abstain. And take the program even more seriously the next time, although I feel like I put as much into it as I had to give this time. It was my first time through. And if I don't lose control or become miserable, then AA is the wrong place for me. I've been feeling ambiguous about it for a while now- maybe this is what I need to do.

The one thing I definitely learned in AA is that I was struggling before with some past issues and I needed to resolve them, which did get done while doing the steps. And that I was getting drunk to avoid dealing with them. I feel a lot better after going through the program. It brought me much further along spiritually, and I think I have matured a great deal. I think- and I'm very aware that I may be eating my words in a short time, but I think having gotten through the issues I may not need to get drunk, even if I decide to have some wine. It's weird. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty, or disappointed in myself, or anything. It just is what it is. I had some wine with dinner. I know I'm supposed to feel bad, or scared, or out of control but I don't at all. The only thing I feel is worry that my sponsor will feel like she wasted her time. If you read this, just know you didn't!!!

Just because I drank, and I'm down on religion, does not mean I'm turning from God. I'm still doing my 10th step, because I like it. I feel it keeps me centered. And nothing has changed about my beliefs. I just need some time on my own.

Feeling Better

OK I had a good night's sleep and I'm feeling better. I was just so down about the whole Homosexuality thing. I spent too much time reading about it on the internet. I do need to quit debating. For a while. I need to move over to the simpler side of life. I need to focus on the here and now. There's a lot going on right here in my present life.

Sometimes I think the internet is something we need to be super careful with. There's so many opportunities to be influenced and effected by people you don't even know. This can be great, but also exhausting. You also are affecting people when you are putting things out there. While this is true, I think it can give people a false sense of worth, that they are making a difference by influencing people. It feeds grandiosity. The effect may not be the best thing. I dunno. I am glassy eyed and tired from it. Yet I know I will be back!!!!

Done

I don't want to think about religion anymore. I'm sick of it. I am feeling agnostic. Again... I believe in God. I am grateful to God.I believe in the unknown. I think that... I get it. It's that simple. It is unknowable. Life is too complex. There are too many variations, and everyone can't be right. Or wrong for that matter. I'm tired of the picking, the condemnation, the justification, the posturing, the sides. I don't want to be on a side. Things aren't either or. If I have to believe in a God that does not love and accept at least the same people I do, if not everyone, then I cannot. If he can't see the good in people, the people he created, then he is not God and we are worshipping the opposite of love. Why do we want everything to be so neat and orderly? Plain, acceptable, and "Good"? We want everything done tastefully. We want everything to be the same, homogenized. Like us. We surround ourselves with those that look and think like us and then worry how we are presented to the others. We have to arm ourselves with knowledge in order to make the simplest point. Or no one will listen. Why can't we just stop being so scared?

I am not for anything goes. But why do we have to worry about what God thinks people should do or not do?? I'm fine with rules and guidelines. Just don't use God as the justification for keeping things how YOU want them.


My faith is deep enough for me to know that God will there when I come back. For a while, at least, I'm going to go enjoy creation.