Instead of suffering from PMS monthly, You can feel pregnant AND homicidal all of the time!!!!

Well I can't have a blog without having one of these... Hold on to your seats. Guys, you may as well just stop reading now. I warned you. Girls, You'll probably understand. ;)


The birth control pill is not a good invention. I'm sure, it's good for some women but the way I feel right now, I can only think of myself. I don't care if it works for anyone else. I have not slept in 2 nights. I am switching back and forth between rage and tears, accompanied by intense sleepy spells. I would walk to the store in the freezing rain for a bite of chocolate. I feel like I'm pregnant with quintuplets. My boobs feel like I'm ready to breast feed them too. I've been on this new pill for a few weeks, since my cyst ordeal, but somebody's going to get killed if I don't stop taking it. Oh, yeah, I've gained 15 POUNDS IN AS MANY DAYS!!!!! And then, when I told my doctor I don't think it's the right one for me, and I might need to switch, I get Have you been eating more lately?? Um, not enough to gain A POUND A DAY AND GROW 2 CUP SIZES in 2 weeks!!! And then the standard answer... it's the bipolar disorder. F-this. I've got to stop taking it and save my family. And marriage. Oh yeah, this happens every time I try to get on the pill. They want me to take it to "regulate" my cycle. I don't think it's possible to do that. I'll probably try again in a few years when the next new one comes out. Good thing I don't need it for BC.

Whew, I feel better!!!

Love

I'm a hopeless romantic. I may not come across that way at first but I am. I believe in true love and soul mates and stuff like that. I like to think that I'll always know the important people in my life, even after death. A movie that I really love that kind of touches on the subject is What dreams My Come, one of my favorites. It is about love & family here and in the afterlife. It may not be theologically sound, but I love it none the less.

I have heard a lot of really beautiful true love stories over the years, and I want write them down so I can always remember them. I was at at a baby shower for my friends last week, which was cool in itself because it was for my life long friends who are identical twins, who were married in a double ceremony, and now are both 7 months pregnant. All unplanned. They got engaged separately, did not use fertility so the pregnancies just happened at the same time naturally. (not that using fertility is any less magical, but the timing of these pregnancies, 2 weeks apart, is amazing. The babies could be born on the same day!) They do live in different cities, so they don't do everything together. But they are and have always been remarkably close. Even for twins.

While at this shower I talked to a girl I had met long ago, like in High School, but I don't really know. I wouldn't recognize her on the street. But I knew she had kept up with the twins. She was talking about her parents getting married, and it kind of intrigued me because I thought that most people's parents were either married or divorced for a reason, not to remarry. But she started telling me the story of how she was adopted, and never fit in with her family. So, when she was grown she found her birth parents, who has accidentally gotten pregnant with her in high school and gave her up for adoption. They were separated, I think the mom moved away or something, but they hadn't been in touch after that. So after getting to know both of her birth parents, she started asking questions, naturally, and wanted to know if they wanted to meet. They were both still single. The rest, you can probably guess. The parents ended up marrying, with their grown daughter walking them down the aisle. It's been 10 years and they're still very happy. I told her she had a story for a movie! I'm getting emotional as I type this. Especially after having babies, I can't imagine giving mine up for adoption. It truly is a noble thing to do. But this family, I think, was meant to be together! She still has a relationship with her adoptive family, so it's good on both sides. Jim (my husband) was adopted, and he has no desire to find his birth parents. But he's a good fit with his parents. You could say that they were meant to be together too.

I have more of these stories, that I'll write down later. There are some good ones!

Art class 3

Just got home, from the Stewpot. It was fun today, as usual. I did some drawing instead of painting and it was fun doing something a little different. The conversation is always interesting. Today one of the artists was talking about how she wants to have a halfway house for abused women when she gets settled. She was talking about how most women who are homeless come from abusive homes. There's really no one reason anyone becomes homeless I don't think. Certainly abuse is one of them. Another woman was saying she wanted to do something like that for handicapped homeless women. I want to do something for mentally ill homeless. Someone else mentioned drugs, and wanting to help people get off drugs. I know there are drug rehab programs out there too. It seemed like I was, well I was, sitting in a room full of people who thought if they could just get themselves taken care of and get enough money they would do ____. Everyone in there had a plan of what they want to do. Good, thorough plans. Unfortunately, nobody in there was in any kind of position to be really helping anyone else. These people are homeless, too. In fact, I was the most "successful" person there, and if you know us you know we're very middle of the road. And I have no job and 2 kids, but I have an awesome husband and I'm unemployed by choice. Well, I am employed by my family I should say. I wonder if we did all get the money what would happen? We'd find out we can't save the world, I know, but I'm not sure the world is unsaveable. Just yet. It's true that a person can't help everyone. But if half the people helped one person, that'd be everyone really. I know it's not that simple, and it's more than a one time hand out, or just money, that's needed. And there has to be an effort on both sides. A person has to want to improve. And that person has to be willing to give back when they can for it to all work. But, I tend to believe that people can change. It just depends on what we expect of them. We can't expect an illiterate to go get a customer service job or a schizophrenic to think like us. It's not that we should just take care of them and shove them away, but we can help them find their use in society. But, I digress to my last post on the subject.

There is a new building opening up in May, where the Stewpot will serve 3 meals a day instead of one. It's called the Bridgeand it's supposed to offer a lot more services to the city's homeless. At least now there's three meals. The people in my art class are happy about it, for the meals, but I am skeptical of a government program. I just hope they don't make it so regulated that people get left out. But that would be beside the point. wouldn't it?An article on the subject here.

And, I couldn't resist adding this post, about the Stewpot serving it's 2.5th million meal. Note the one and only comment.

Was Jesus Rich?

I was having this discussion on Facebook with my younger brother Joe, after he posted a poem he wrote about Jesus being poor. (Joe, I looked for the poem but it seems that you've deleted it!! Put it back so I can link it!) I was saying Jesus wasn't poor, he was saying he was, basically after presenting our sides we both agreed he was at about the same economic status. Somewhere around blue- collar worker, who chose to live without money or possessions. We were just defining poor differently.

His argument that he was poor was that he was a carpenter, and didn't have money or possessions.
(BTW, I fully expect you to correct me Joe, I am going on memory, so please comment your POV)

My arguments that he wasn't poor were... He had an education. He had a skill, carpentry. He came from a good family and was known to be sent by God, by his mother at least, if you go by the virgin birth account. He had no money or possessions but it was by choice not by necessity. In my mind, that's not the same as being poor without a choice. Not that it would be an easy decision, but he had a choice. He was obviously well loved by his followers, and I assume he was fed and taken care of by the people wherever he went to minister. Yes, he carried no money, but people wanted to have him around (not the Pharisees) and he didn't need money. He was not a beggar. Even when he was at the Cross he had disciples, family and people who loved him there with him.

It got me thinking, what does it mean to be poor? It goes much deeper than money. So, comment please! Tell me what you think poor is I want to know.

Homeless:The American Dream

My friend Paul Star, one of the Stewpot artists, wants to do a movie about being homeless. He calls the project Homeless: The American Dream. It takes place in a field, he calls the "Field of Dreams". The stories are about the dreams he has while sleeping in this field, as well as interviews with other homeless people. I told him I'd write a blog for him under the same name, because I can't do much for him as far as a movie's concerned. He doesn't have access to a computer. I asked him if he wanted me to get him a note book to write on, and then I could enter it in here for him, but he can't read or write so that's not an option. So- I got him a little digital recorder, and he's working hard at getting interviews and telling this story. He's also given me a bunch of pictures he's taken over the last 15 years, all in downtown Dallas. I will scan some of them and ad them to the blog. It's a work in the process, but when I actually start writing down what he says I'll put it in his own blog. I told him it would be all him, but he said he wanted me to do some writing about it too, so we'll see what comes out. I've told him several times that it'll be a blog, not a book or movie, but he doesn't quite get it. He thinks this is his big break and he's been trying to get his story out for years. Who knows? Maybe he's right. I have NO IDEA what will come out of that recorder...

No Austin Trip *sob*

I'm bummed to not be going to Austin today. I was so looking forward to a trip!! I rarely get a chance to travel, especially just to go see friends!! But, I am in the midst of the very painful process of rupturing an ovarian cyst. This is the worst pain, second to childbirth, that I've experienced so far. I found this out at the ER last night. They thought it was appendicitis, so a cyst is welcome news. I could have been in surgery last night, if it had been the appendix. So, that's the upside. The down side is I can barely walk around. I am high on Morphine too. Which I don't like. I never liked the pain med. feeling. I AM grateful for the lessening of pain but not the "feeling". So, I'll be spending the weekend in bed. Brace yourselves for even more computer activity than normal from me. And talk to me, I'm sad and lonely.  :-P

Spanking

Ugh I spanked my daughter today. Again. She doesn't seem bothered by it but it bothers me. I hate that I do it sometimes, but I just simply cannot tolerate some of the things she does. She is VERY stubborn and difficult to get through to. Children are different. I never spank Jameson and never need to. Noelle seems like she doesn't even realize I'm there sometimes, and if she does she doesn't care. She is very determined to do what she wants. Spanking is one of the ways I get her attention. I don't even use it so much as punishment, as just to snap her out of her torrents.  She's the child who's left the house 3 times and no telling where she'd have ended up if we hadn't heard her.(she's 4)  One time she made it to the next-door neighbors. Luckily I live on a fairly safe street where there's usually an adult neighbor outside with their kids. Even the neighbors know they kind of have to watch her more than the other kids. And she understands, so that's not the problem. She's not Autistic or Hyperactive or any of those, she's just plain stubborn. She knows she's misbehaving. 

I wonder where she gets this from!!!!!!

The last time I spanked her she was running over my toe with a stroller, and I had to get her off of my foot but she wasn't listening. Today, she just was pretending I wasn't there when I asked her to clean up. I gave several chances. I told her she was going to get a spanking and then gave her until 3 to decide if she was going to listen. So she got spanked. Then she cleaned up her toys. If it makes me feel so bad then why does it work??? I remember my mom chasing me around the house trying to spank me and I'd tighten up my leg and butt muscles so she'd end up with bruises on her hands. It made me laugh. I guess it didn't scar me too badly. Parenting is kind of hard!!! :o

Black Coffee Blues

Yeah- I stole the title. It's a good book, by Henry Rollins. Read it! I'm drinking black coffee right now. I am a huge coffee person. The trouble is, I like it with cream. Not milk, not frou-frou coffee  mate. Half and Half will do but I really like reg. cream. I've been dealing with the fat free stuff for a few months, because I know it's not healthy to have 1/2 &1/2 in my coffee 3 times a day but it just isn't the same. So, I tried it this morning black. I kind of like it! I used to not be able to swallow a sip of it plain.  Maybe my need for caffeine has just overruled my taste buds. So that's solved, I'll jut drink it black from now on.

Speaking of plain and frills- free, I'm really trying to apply this concept to many areas of my life. Not completely, mind you, (I'm sort of a flamboyant person, so plain and boring does NOT appeal to me), but more so than not. I am trying to cook with just 2-3 ingredients, using natural spices and herbs,  eat no refined sugar, drink less Diet Coke (hard for me), etc. But it's not just about consumption. I am not out chasing the dragon anymore. I always used to feel like I wanted something, or needed something ELSE, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. I had to have my vices just so, my plans work out just so, people to act the way I wanted them to, or else I just got pissed off at the world. And I LOVED being pissed best of all! Indignation defined me for a while. 

Lately I've just been feeling satisfied. And I don't do all of the things I used to, like drink alcohol, smoke, chase after money, spend as much. (I'm not downing these things totally, but for me they crossed the line of moderation). I have what I need, but it's really easier lately to go with less. I know it's because of this whole God thing. If you had told me that 10 years ago I might have punched you, but I was wrong. I've been pretty down and out at times during my life, was friends with and still am friends with people who are from all classes, so being around homeless people and poor people is not a new thing for me. I thought I was grateful for what I had, but I always wanted more.  It's an internal thing, not an external one. Because truth is, even though my needs were being met I wasn't satisfied, until I started having faith in God.  Not to say I trust him all of the time, but I know I can. And, not to say I think everything happens for a reason, because "bad" things do happen to good people. But I believe that's because of men not God. (This discussion may be for another post.)

Anyway, I need to go get more coffee.

Defending my faith...

I am very liberal when it comes to religion, but my faith is strong. A lot of time people assume that because I'm kind of all over the place in my views that I'm not serious about God. I guess I could say what I hear all the time, "I'm not religious but I'm spiritual." Which, by definition, would be true, to the extent that I don't think it's necessary to have a defined religion in your life to have a relationship with God. But, I get irritated when I am confronted with the idea that my faith isn't well developed, or that I haven't arrived at the ideal belief level and when I do I'll be a more accomplished Christian.

I can't wrap my mind around the physically supernatural parts of Christianity. The miracles, the virgin birth, and the physical resurrection. The miracles of healing I can sort of believe, although I think they are probably exaggerated, but I just can't get past the physical resurrection. I do, however, believe that Jesus was the son of God, I believe in all of his teachings, and I believe he was the messiah. I believe he did appear to people after his death, and was resurrected, I just think it was spiritually. I don't care if it was physical or wasn't, I don't need to believe that to believe that he was God.

Does this make me less of a Christian? Apparently, if I keep "trying", eventually I will believe. But I don't think so now. The supernatural can't be proven, and if it is debunked, does that mean Christianity isn't real? Who knows??

I'm new to this, help me out!

I'm a new blogger, and I don't know all the rules. Please tell me if my etiquette is poor, and give me tips. Also I Love Comments! I am starving for attention! Haha aren't we all. Really though, I'm learning so all info is appreciated!

Celebrity Gossip

My friend Neal is all about posting his status on his blog and facebook with everything he does. Not every once in a while, but all day long. It's weird, but I've been finding myself thinking "I wonder what Neal's doing? " and I'll go check the computer. Before this update thing, I never ever thought about what he might be doing. Even though I knew him then.  I think it's interesting. Do I want to know just because I can? Because he's putting it out there? I started thinking maybe that's what happens with celebrity gossip. I've often wondered why I'm interested in what Hollywood is doing, because honestly, I shouldn't be caring. It absolutely doesn't effect me at all. But, I think I've gotten used to knowing so I just kind of keep up with the stories. I don't really spend much time on it but I do flip through the magazines. Maybe if we all start telling the world everything we do the celebs won't get all of the limelight!!!! Go regular people! Thanks Neal!