I have a dirty secret, some of you know but many of you don't. I sneak cigarettes. I used to be a smoker, before having kids, and while I wouldn't call myself a full- fledged smoker, it happens. Lately, it's been happening too often. I have to stop. I wonder if I will struggle with this addiction for the rest of my life. I think it's over then it pops up... stress, boredom, I can think of any reason usually.
Smoking isn't illegal. People smoke. I really don't think that much of it. I know it's bad, like everyone does. I grew up around it, and it has always been in my life in one way or another. The thing is, I'm halfway in the closet. I'm a sneaker. I don't smoke around the kids, or around most people, and I have my set "situations" where I find it acceptable. I guess it's called social smoking. Only with other smokers of course. That's my rationale.
Well, the other day my son came home from a friends house smelling like smoke. I was appalled. He said the grandmother was was smoking. The grandmother is living there now, and it is certainly her business. I know in the previous generations it wasn't seen as a big deal. Many of my relatives smoked around me. Good Christian people. :) In the house and in the car. I remember making ash trays in ceramics class before I even was old enough to think about smoking. I had my first cigarette in the mall. Right out in the open. And we smoked in the girl's bathroom and never got in trouble for it at school. But those were different times. Gladly.
So my son told his friend the reason he can't go over there anymore is because his grandmother was smoking in the house. It was sad to hear, I walked in on them talking about it. I never told Jameson why, but he knew because I freaked out about him smelling like smoke. I told the boy he can come over anytime instead. He was upset though, and he first he told me she doesn't do it. Here begins the lie... Then he said "But the windows are open." and "I don't know why she has to do that." It's sad when a six- year old has to make excuses. And, you see, I have shared a cigarette with his mom before, who isn't an inside smoker and doesn't do it around her kids either. So, she had the same rules as me. But she knows I do it. I am a total hypocrite. But, I definitely won't let my kids back over there, that's not the hypocrisy. That's just protection. But, how can I talk the talk and not walk it? It's only a matter of time before my kids catch on. I have to end it now...
So I'm airing out my secret on the web, for all to see. I'm not proud, but if it's out in the open I can't hide. I probably wasn't fooling anyone anyway.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Caught In My Own Hypocrisy.
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3 comments:
I love smoking and wish I still could. I have a sort of deal with my wife [who hates me smoking at all] that if I am out with folks and she is not there I am have one smoke. Never to be brought into the house and once kids are in the picture that one goes out the door.
I love smoking yet I hate the way it makes my mouth feel now and the way it hampers my runs.
Stupid hypocritical smoking. In heaven smoking is good for you and so is BBQ and beer!
I hope the book is going well!
My mom died when she was 57 because of smoking. She didn't get to see half of her grandchildren, nor did she ever see her own children graduate from college. By the time she was 40, it was too late; she was hooked.
Quit now, because it's easier. I worked as a chaplain in an emphycemia ward - if you ever want to see someone coughing their guts up, trying to get a breath in their late forties/early fifties, take a visit to your nearest hospital. They don't call cigarettes 'coffin nails' for nothing...
I used to smoke, quite heavily, for five years. I gave up, mainly because I got very high blood pressure for my age. One day, while under stress, I decided to 'sneak' a cigarette in an hotel bar. No-one knew me and I thought I'd get away with it! However, my initial euphoria at that first 'drag' turned to horror when five months without nicotine meant it went straight to my head and I went so dizzy I almost fell over! That was enough to put me off for life (not to mention trying to spray myself with perfume and eat chewing gum so my non-smoker boyfriend would not know). When I thought about my blood pressure - whcih was higher than my mum's, a non-smoker - it really scared me and I never smoked again. That was in 1997. Even now, however, if I smell a cigarette, I can still fancy one. But now smoking has been banned in all UK public places, you seldom see anyone smoking while out. Incidentally, many pubs have shut down in my home town and a lot of landlords have blamed the fact customers can no longer relax with a beer and a cigarette. Many choose to now stay at home, buy cheap supermarket booze and cigarettes and watch a DVD or satellite tv movies instead. The alternative is having to go and stand outside to have a ciggie if out socialising. I don't feel I am in favour of a blanket smoking ban if it is putting people out of business! The system before - ie. designated smoking areas in bars et - seemed to be working ok and gave EVERYONE a choice. As a non-smoker now, I think people who wish to smoke should have the choice, rather than having it made for them by the law! If we were to be banned from doing anything bad for us, surely pubs should have to close altogether, since alcoholism can kill, just as smoking can!
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