understanding

Still working on the God as I understand him thing. It's funny that it's so hard, seeing as how I consider myself a Christian. I guess I'm more of a Christian Agnostic. I'm working at it. It just seems so unlikely, all the supernatural stuff I'm supposed to believe. Miracles. I was wondering, why did God make miracles in biblical times and not now? Then I realized he does. He works through people. We just don't all do our part. Doctors heal, pastors and therapists and friends help emotionally & spiritually, people are involved in helping in all areas. My family, that's definitely a wonderful miracle. Then there's all the cool nature stuff. I like church but I have to admit it's a social engagement for me. I don't think I know what it feels like to "worship". I believe but I can't get past the theology. But I don't really think God cares.

I was thinking about the passage Matthew 12:30 where Jesus says "He who is not with Me is against Me; and he who does not gather with Me scatters." In context he is talking about the pharisees accusing him of casting out demons by way of Beelzebub, and he says that's not possible because a kingdom divided among itself will fall. If satan works against satan they'll cancel each other out. So if God works against God it will cancel him out. Since Jesus claims to be on the side of God, to go against him will hurt the kingdom of God. I don't think he's saying you have to be a "Christian". I think Jesus was much more universal in his thinking than we give him credit for. I think he's warning about splitting hairs over differences. Either you are for God or you're not. It's that simple. We shouldn't work against each other if we want the same outcome.

The next verse 12:31 "Therefore I say to you, any sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven people, but blasphemy against the Spirit shall not be forgiven."

Blasphemy against religion and men (including the Son of Man) will be forgiven, but blasphemy of the Holy Spirit will not. This screams to me that The Holy Spirit is transcendent of all people. As only a great holy spirit creator could be. I think the reason I stumble with Christianity is I have a hard time thinking of God as a man, rather than a nebulous energy, all knowing and currently present. But then again I do believe that Christ was of God and doing God's work. I just have a hard time with the Trinity. Plus the resurrection happened 2000 years ago and just seems so removed, like a story.

There's a line in the AA book about God being everything or nothing. I don't see God in evil, and I do think there's opposing forces in the universe. But maybe they mean it in a "He who is not with Me is against Me; and he who does not gather with Me scatters." kind of way. Makes sense to me, at last!! I can definitely say, if nothing else, that I am for God.