Steps 1,2 & 3

Back to the old drawing board. I had a little backslide in AA, as I wrote about before. I think I just got overwhelmed. But I'm back in the game. The cyst, the morphine, the birth control pills, all the medical tests just wore me out. Probably the worst was the pill. That was not cool. All was not lost, except my sobriety date, but I still feel the need to start over. Here goes:

Step 1- admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.

Admitted we were powerless over alcohol- I can do that. I know I can't drink. I'm powerless over my drinking habits. I have proved this to myself over and over again. I Have such a hard time with moderation.

And our lives had become unmanageable- this one was a stumbler last time. I thought unmanageable meant unsuccessful, unhappy, out of control worthless alcoholic life. I've never felt that way. Even when I'm down I know I have a good life. I have a great marriage, wonderful children, good friends,and I've done some pretty cool things! This time it simply means I'm not managing my life as I should be. Or rather, that I'm not effectively managing it. True! There's much room for improvement. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels a lot of the time. Doesn't mean I have a terrible life.


Step 2- Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

OK I believe in God. That's my higher power. Done.

Could restore us to sanity. What? You say I'm insane?? I know my name and who the president is! I know that it's 2008!! INSANE means I'm talking to my invisible friend Betty in the produce aisle. I'm not insane. I've got my issues but Jeez.
(I do, however, have an intense fear of losing my mind.) I've been close before. I am diagnosed as Bipolar but that doesn't mean I'm INSANE. Just "colorful". Some would say alcoholic.

Now- for the first time I'm going to put 1 & 2 together.

Powerless, unmanageable, God (higher power), restore, sanity.
restore- means I was once sane. So I don't have to be someone else. I can just be restored to my original sanity. Whatever that was.

This time around, I look at unmanageable as insane and sanity as manageable. I believe in this context the two are intertwined.

Now I just have to believe that the higher power can do the restoring. Common sense tells me that whatever made me can probably handle it, but I don't know what that means. I think it means that I could be living more authentically, how I was designed to. But I still get to be me. Last time I didn't want to change my whole personality. I still don't. I kind of like myself. I just don't want to be controlled by my whims.
I guess that's why we're supposed to stop trying to control them. To end the fight. I have nothing to lose here, the fight is lost. I went for a long time without alcohol before, but I'm not positive I didn't substitute some other behaviors for the alcohol. More on that later.

Step 3- made a decision to turn our will and lives over to God as we understand him.

Decision- yep- that's why I'm here. God- sure. as we understand him- not so sure. I realized today that all I have are theories- a lot of them. Any of them could be right. I have absolutely no personal way of seeing God. I believe it's impossible to define God. It's kind of hard to have an understanding of something that can't be understood. I have a personal theory, but it in no way related to daily life. In a strange way it seems like it would be ego-centric to have a personal understanding of God. As ironic as that is, considering I'm completely ego-centric trying to run things. I have a very chaotic view of the world. Because I can't make sense of many happenings, I just think they don't make any sense. There's no trust. I know God is doing it but I don't know why. It kind of pisses me off. I am just now getting that it's not for me to know. Right now as I write this. I've always known things are out of my control, but I never stop trying to understand them. I have not come to terms with not getting the answers. The How I'm o.k. with but not the why. What is the point of this whole life thing?? When I figure it out I'll let y'all know. Just kidding. There's an old Twightlight Zone episode where the meaning of life is figured out and everyone who hears it goes completely bonkers. It ends with it being broad casted on the radio- if I remember correctly. It's just not for us to know.

So- I am going to hang out here at 3. Decision is done. Now I have conjure an image and personality for God. I know- I can't- but I just mean one for me to reference. I'll probably end up going with Christ. I don't think I can come up with a better one myself. There's still the whole "Holy Spirit" thing- that is the undefinable part.



I dedicate this post to "Slick". R.I.P. Another one of those things we just won't be able to understand. From what I heard in meetings he had a good grasp on all of this. He'll be missed.