I don't know...

I had some wine. Not much really. A couple of glasses. Over 4 hours or so. I didn't get drunk. I had no desire to get drunk. I was at a dinner party and I was given a glass and it just seemed like no big deal. I had a good time. I'm about to have, well I WAS about to have my 1 year of sobriety on 6/18. I don't think I can celebrate it, even though I didn't get drunk. I broke the rules. I don't know why I drank it. I guess it could be because I'm an alcoholic and it's the disease. That's the AA view and I don't disagree with it. But I'm still not 100% sure I'm an alcoholic. I was sure for a while, but not sure lately. I'm not in denial, I think it's likely that I am. I'm just doubting it some. The Big Book (AA TEXT) says to go and try to control it and see. I think that's what I was doing. Well I really didn't think much about it. It seems ridiculous to me that I can't control it. I know I've been through this a million times. I guess I just need to explore it further. And see. Again. The good thing is, if I do lose control I'll be more sure that I do need to abstain. And take the program even more seriously the next time, although I feel like I put as much into it as I had to give this time. It was my first time through. And if I don't lose control or become miserable, then AA is the wrong place for me. I've been feeling ambiguous about it for a while now- maybe this is what I need to do.

The one thing I definitely learned in AA is that I was struggling before with some past issues and I needed to resolve them, which did get done while doing the steps. And that I was getting drunk to avoid dealing with them. I feel a lot better after going through the program. It brought me much further along spiritually, and I think I have matured a great deal. I think- and I'm very aware that I may be eating my words in a short time, but I think having gotten through the issues I may not need to get drunk, even if I decide to have some wine. It's weird. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty, or disappointed in myself, or anything. It just is what it is. I had some wine with dinner. I know I'm supposed to feel bad, or scared, or out of control but I don't at all. The only thing I feel is worry that my sponsor will feel like she wasted her time. If you read this, just know you didn't!!!

Just because I drank, and I'm down on religion, does not mean I'm turning from God. I'm still doing my 10th step, because I like it. I feel it keeps me centered. And nothing has changed about my beliefs. I just need some time on my own.